On Father's Day and Being Darth Vader

Forgive me.  This is an old issue. just as I feel that I have been given a chance to be born again. I am going to be dramatic.  I am going to be honest.  And I am going to be spontaneous. Because as much as I am happy now, I feel like I just came close to being off track.

Father's day always made me excited.  Just like mother's day, its a chance to thank our dads and grandfathers for the sacrifices they did for us. I was blessed to be given 2 wonderful grandparents who doted on us.  Even more blessed with a dad who made all these sacrifices like driving for us, or waking up early to buy bread. Whenever one of us is in the hospital, he would make sure to be buying literally a lot of food. More than what you can ever eat or your visitors for that matter.

The past father's day  were uneventful. Aside from work, I would get greetings sometimes, and then I wouldn't think any of it anymore.  This year however, and these past few moments, was different.  I was dealing with ghosts of the past.  Not just my own, but my son's. Suddenly, the happy-go-lucky kid I used to know was asking me questions.  Somehow, my "do you want to play?" questions seem irrelevant.  Our 5 minute conversations have now become 2 hour question and answer portions. Questions are more mature.  When my eyes go down, he notices.  When tears fall, he more than notices, he takes my hand and cries too. As much as I have hoped to spare him from pain, I know that it is now more real to him.

"I am only sad, because I saw you crying, yet again".  And I tell him, I didn't cry, it was just that I remembered something. And although he didn't say anything, I can tell I didn't convince him. How many times did he refuse  to answer questions in school about families.  How many times have I seen him cry with me, for lost father figures. How many times have I seen him change the topic and hop off to another place when hosts in parties ask kids to bring their dads.  How could I have missed it when family days he wants to bring his cousins and the whole clan. How summer is not complete with the "whole" family going to the beach or spending family time.  How he goes with me in difficult events sleeping and all, just to spend time with me. He uses his energy to think of nice names or nice themes. And always has something nice to say about my weight. haha. 

Most of all, I think of him during father's day. He knows he is super blessed to have the closest grandfather ever.  I think of him when I add some of his teachers in FB, those whom I know look out for him. I've seen him with my uncles and guy friends, and I've seen how he wants some of them to be here when he gets home. And I feel blessed. I feel blessed for all the fathers and father figures that these generous people have come to be for him.

More so, I am blessed to have a glimpse of how strong a father I can be. I am not a man, but for every time I am able to fix his complicated toys, or even get a parking spot, I am happy.  For every time I answer his questions about growing up, I grow a little stronger. For every time he holds my hand and how he is nearly as tall as me, I am proud.  For every time we go biking together, I am blessed to spend time with him. For every tuition fee paid, and every doctor's appointment  or dental appointment he braved, I am the proudest mom/dad ever.  When he cried during his "summer operation", I cried too.  One halloween, I told him that I am Darth Vader because I am his father, and he laughed. And though it seems selfish, having all these things just to myself (and my loved ones) makes me feel even more blessed. 

Someday, he's going to have to move away and have his own life. I know right now he is looking at MY standards for growing up to be the man he will become.  I could only hope I am making the right decisions. I know that for every heartache we have endured, he is becoming stronger.  His character is being built. Right now, he may not have a real dad with him. Maybe God is still preparing the best dad for him. Or, I'd like to believe, maybe its because God is grooming HIM to be the best man and would-be-dad someday.  When that day comes, this pseudo dad will be extremely happy. (reposted from 2013)

2015: He is taller now!

photo credit: Lara