You must know this about me. Ever since I was a teenager...I've always wanted to have a baby. Don't get me wrong, I respect the sanctity of marriage and I have a deep respect for people who worked it out with their childhood sweethearts or just anybody they met, their "soulmates" so to speak. BUT, at a young age, one thing that I know I was sure of. I really wanted to have somebody in the world who I love completely and would love me back completely. Fast forward to 2001. I was a happy-go-lucky 22 year old helping out with our furniture business and enrolled in one of the most prestigious business schools in the country. I was having the time of my life, having graduated (with sort of flying colors) and at the top of my "career" so to speak, being the youngest among seasoned entrepreneurs. I was the most watched student among my peers of CEOs, creative directors, and COOs like me. But most had experiences that I could only imagine. Like my professor said, I was still too young at that time to be in that business school.
On the side, I had a boyfriend (your dad) whom I felt like me was an "artist". A musician, graphic artist and photographer. I guess like most girls, being with one made me feel like a very important and loved person. We had a lot of plans to put up our own ad agency and all. = ) Like a fairy tale, he made songs for me. I wasn't sure about many things, but I thought maybe he was the one.
BRAVE. Or maybe just plain stupid. This was how I imagine I was, if I were to describe myself. Telling only a few close friends, I hid my condition to our own family. Planning where I go should the inevitable happen. The person who was supposed to "rock" my world left me to fend for my own. And his friends? They disappeared. (Except for a few, his ninang who once gave me money for check up) One even had the nerve to call me incessantly to offer his hand in marriage. Ah marriage, this was something offered to me twice (contrary to belief that all single moms were shunned) in exchange for going behind our parents back, going to the province and having the "problem" removed. So instead of him rocking my world, he shattered his, and in return, I never talked to him again for the duration of my pregnancy.
The thing was, the bravery that I showed sort of became a norm when I was pregnant. My pre-pregnant self couldn't even get water in the dark in our house. The thought that I was never going to be alone again comforted me. The thought that there was something, even greater than my own life growing inside of me, and that never again should I question if there was a God who can create something so beautiful and someone you know you love with everything you've got even if you never met that person yet.
Fast forward to 10 years. I am now a mother to you--- a bright, inquisitive boy/young man who has a lot of ideas and creativity brewing in his young mind. From being a super precocious toddler you're now a deep person who asks me questions that I never knew you could think of--on topics which I thought 10 year olds could not comprehend yet nor take interest in. Name a computer game and you'll be very good in it. Name a sport or toy and you'll be interested in it, enough to beat me (well I was never sporty haha) You've shown business sense at a very early age. In short, you're a bit like me but only a BETTER version. A much better version.
One thing you mention is how embarrassed you are talk about you, or your antics. But perhaps, in this case you'll make an exception. It is my blog anyway, and years from now, I want to be able to tell you how I feel.
One of the regrets I have is you not having a dad all the time to teach you the guitar or how to pitch a tent or join you in your father-son camping trip. How I got teary eyed when someone told me precisely why you should never be boy scout because of that camping trip or that mistakenly calling you bastard without knowing its meaning (technically you are a love child but that's another story). How I wish I can tell you that given the chance, I would have fought for you and for our family. But what we have now is something more special, and that I know you will be a better, stronger person because of it. I know that more than us, someone else is suffering the big loss from not knowing the real you and not being able to spend time with you. He'll have the rest of his life filled with regret for missing out on your childhood years.
Thank you so much for understanding your "kulit" mom who will probably try to be cool and end up embarrassing you. (Hey I am sometimes cool according to you) For understanding that although I am not able to give you all the material things in the world, I am able to give you your needs and wants right now. The rest, you will have to work hard for, and I know you will. You promised me that you will not be a criminal (haha) and I am thankful for that, but most of all, you did tell me that you will buy a house in tahanan village so you will always be near me. You also promised to drive for me someday with your red ferrari to where ever I want to go. Right now, you are very sharp and its evident in how you talk to my colleagues but I know that you are very sweet and loving when its just us. = )
My friend asked you if you love your dad, and you have difficulty answering, knowing your answer might hurt me, but I just want you to know that I could never ever hate the person who gave you to me. I may not like him all the time but I can never hate him. He gave me YOU and that is the greatest gift in the world ever. I might not have a high profile career but I am doing something I really love and I am able to support you. I might not have my prestigious masters degree but I have so much more to be proud of. I might still be clueless on a lot of things, but one thing's for sure---I am a better person because of you. I will fail on many more challenges, but I know I will always be somebody in your eyes and that is enough for me.
I can't tell you more often how much I'm glad you came to my life. How much you matter to me and how much knowing you has changed me. Thank you for telling me you love me everyday, and if there'll be a time when you won't I know its only a stage and you won't mean it. One thing for sure, I love you and you have made me so much happier. TJ.
Love, your not-so-beautful-only-cute (according to you) Mom.
= )
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